A Fly in Pho

The other week I talked to my good friend from high school, Jenni Fasching, for the first time since I’ve been in Vietnam. After I grilled her about life, love, and her pursuits of happiness in Washington D.C., she asked me how I was doing. Feeling a little hormonal, I exclaimed into skype, “Oh Jenni! It’s just so hard!” and then dramatically choked in my tears and went off on a rant about all of my trials and tribulations here in ‘Nam. I finished and Jenni said, “But Maddie....I’ve been reading your blog, and it all sounds amazing and you seem so happy????”

So I had to ask myself, “Am I misrepresenting this whole thing here on the interweb?
Am I putting a rose colored tint on the picture of my Vietnam existence?
Am I a liar and a fraud?!?!?!”

The answer to these questions is Maybe. I definitely do put a happy foot forward, but I also just want to share things that make me laugh when they happen. Or, more often, things that I think are harrowing/ridiculous when they happen, but have the foresight to know I will laugh about when I’m safe and sound in the US of A come June, drinking multiple alcoholic beverages at my welcome home party. All in all, just consider my written positivism a coping mechanism. And hey, you don’t wanna read about my temper tantrums.

BUT! If you did want to read about my temper tantrums, I’d tell you this: when no one is there to send you to your room, or listen to you stomp up the stairs, or tell you you’re not too old for the wooden spoon, temper tantrums are highly unsatisfying and anticlimactic. Usually, my little hissy fits last for 5 minutes before I get over myself, download an episode of Gossip Girl, and pop two benadryl to help me sleep (I’ve refused to turn to prescription drugs).

After talking to Jenni and asking myself if I’m misrespresenting, rose-coloring, lying, frauding, etc., I asked myself an even tougher question: Am I happy?

I’m so glad to say the answer to this is getting closer to Yes everyday. Do I miss my loved ones constantly? Yes. But do I feel blessed that I have so many people to miss and love? Yes. Do I get sad when I think about being away for my friend Emily’s show or my little sister Emma's performance in the Nutcracker? Yes. But did I cry tears of joy when I watched my students rehearse “Heal the World” for English Club this week? Yes... Buckets.

So what’s my point? I guess just to say there are ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like a fly in a bowl of pea soup, or more appropriately a fly in a bowl of Vietnamese Pho. But then I find a noodle or a chunk of mystery meat and hold on for dear life, only to realize that I really am OK. And this is amazing. Amazingly difficult. Amazingly freeing. Amazingly painful. Amazingly joyful. Not to overuse the word “amaze” (too late), but when else in my life will I be amazed by something new everyday? Well, if things go according to plan, hopefully a lot. But who really knows!! So for the next 6 months, I’m gonna do by best to really live in this, temper tantrums, tears of joy, and all.

This is Pho.