The Ugly Truth

You want to know the truth? The real truth? I’ll tell you the truth. Sometimes Vietnam blows. Sometimes you wake up with 2 mosquito bites on your lower lip. Sometimes rats poop in your sauce pan. Sometimes the water coming out of your shower turns brown midstream. Sometimes your clothes mold and smell like mildew because of the weather. Sometimes you ignore your Vietnam-induced lactose intolerance and have to face the consequences.

See, if you really want to understand life in ‘Nam, you have to realize that its not all quirky coffee shops, trips to pagodas, and cultural exchanges amidst the rolling rice fields. It’s hard work, dudes! And while most of the time you can chalk the tough stuff up to “learning experiences,” there are other times when you just have to throw yourself on the ground of your mosquito-gecko-rat infested apartment and, pounding your fists against the ground, cry out, “Why God!? Haven’t I learned enough?!?!? Can’t I go home now?!?! Where people love me and I can have dairy products?!?!

All joking aside, the mosquitoes have quite literally been eating me alive, and, yes, I did wake up one morning last week with a fat lower lip from a double-bite. However, there is an upside!! I had been under the impression that the rainy weather was responsible for the mosquitoes and everyone was getting bit. Au contraire. This weekend I saw some American friends who have thus far been un-sucked by the little suckers, and they were able to shed some light on why I might be the favored dish of the Hai Duong mosquito swarm. Mia, who is always up on the latest news breakthroughs, told me that she read an article saying mosquitoes may be most attracted to people with high stress levels. Then Uyen, who is good at math (unrelated, but true), asked if I eat a lot of fruit, because that changes the scent of your sweat and attracts mosquitoes as well.

Apparently all I have to do to keep these mosquitoes at bay is relax and stop eating fruit, or at least stop eating 2 pineapples a day (What? Is that excessive? They’re cheap and delicious...). Ok, in reality, I don’t know how to relax and, as I told my friends while eating Indian food, the fiber of pineapples keeps me regular; I can’t give that up. I guess I’ll have to keep sleeping fully clothed and sprayed down with Off!.

The sauce-pan-rat-poop debacle also really pushed me over the edge. I have long known that I have a rat which comes into my kitchen at night; I can hear him scurry as the clock strikes twelve. I’ve also grown accustomed to finding his poop on the floor and counters. He’s clearly made his presence known, so why did he have to jump 4 inches INTO my sauce pan to do his business? Upon finding the evidence and feeling mocked, violated, and above all else grossed out, I did what every other independent, self-sufficient female living alone in Vietnam would have done: I called a man in America. More specifically, I called Scott. He said comforting things like,

“At least it pooped so you knew it was there. Think of the times it’s been in there and you never knew!”

And

“At least you saw the poop. Think of the times you didn’t and cooked in the pot anyway!”

And

“Why is your chest red? Are you breaking out in hives?”

The upside to the Rat Poop Incident 2010? Come on, it’s kind of funny. Even I can see that.

Now it’s Monday of this week, and despite the things that sometimes happen in Vietnam, I’m feeling recharged after a great weekend with friends in Hanoi. The sun is shining for the first time in weeks, my nails are painted a cute coral red, and another week is underway. We’re going full steam ahead to May, and May is almost June. And, not that I’m counting down, but in June I’m going home, where people love me and I can eat cheese.