Comedy of Errors

How would I describe last week? A Comedy of Errors? Which is funny only in hindsight because I put myself up in a nice hotel for the weekend and am currently drinking a diet coke at an internet cafe? Where samba music is playing?

The running water and power were intermittent, I SAW. A. RAT., my internet came and went, I SAW. A. RAT., there was a minor break-in to my flat, I SAW. A. RAT.

You already know about the rat. Someone suggested that I name him to make him less threatening. I name him “Better be dead before I get back on Monday.” I even made my own rat poison: detergent and peanut butter. He wants to go through my garbage and shit on my countertops?! OK. I’ll kill him.

I’m sorry. I’m usually not this violent. And to be honest, while I do honestly and truly hope he dies a painful death, we were getting on better by the end of the week. Now when I hear him in the kitchen at night, I kick the door to give him a little warning before I come in. I know he’s there, but I guess I’m kind of like the parent who knows their teenager is drinking but really doesn’t want to catch the kid and have to do something about it. So I hear him scuttle away THEN I open the door. I am wholly unarmed with the exception of the Dansko clogs on my feet, so if he is just sitting there I can either A. Stomp on him or B. Break into Irish Step-Dancing to entertain him to death. I’ve thought this thing through.

OK. Enough about the rat...

The intermittent power and running water have become somewhat par for the course, especially in bad weather. I can deal with the lack o’ aqua; I can even deal with the lack o’ light. The real problem is that I have no coping skills when it comes to a lack o’ internet. Seriously: My internet goes out and my vision starts to blur. This is definitely my problem, not Vietnam’s, and one that I should really address, but every time I get that devastating little “Website not responding” box, I start to seize up. Suddenly, I become terrified that VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE are emailing me about VERY IMPORTANT THINGS, and not only am I missing out on opportunities of a LIFETIME, but I may never see the light of Web again! Ever. I have actually gotten better at dealing with this since the beginning of the year. I used to go to my host contact to ask for help if the outage lasted too long, but she would always laugh and say something like, “Maybe it is because you use the internet too much? Yes, Madeline? Hahahah.”

I rarely found this funny. Addiction is no joking matter.

Oh! And the break in! This happened after the rat, and honestly to call it a break-in is a little dramatic. It was more like a “sneak-in.” I always lock my apartment door, but apparently I had forgotten this once. I was sitting on my bed reading when I heard hushed voices. The entrance to my flat is in the kitchen, then there is another door to my bedroom area. There is also a curtained window that looks from the bedroom to the kitchen. I heard the voices and saw shadows through the curtain, then just as the two figures came into full view through my partially closed bedroom door, I yelled at the top of my lungs, “Excusssssssseeeeee Meeeee!”

Excuse me. Unknown men were entering my flat unannounced and I yelled “Excuse Me.”

Who am I? Emily Post?!

Now, I did yell it with great force--enough force to send these presumable college boys hurtling out of my apartment and running down the hall (I live on campus). I threw on my shoes and dashed out after them, but I really had no idea what their faces looked like and I never caught them. Later I told my host contact about the incident just so when people in the class down the hall told her I had come sprinting after the intruders she would know what happened. She was a little concerned, but she assured me I wasn’t in any danger: “It's ok. People are just curious about how you live since you are so strange.”

This is probably true, but I’ve really got to teach people here an alternative word for "strange." Different? Foreign? Exotic? Wildly attractive and intelligent?

So yeah: not the best week of my life. The good news is it’s over and I got a great manicure yesterday!! Getting my nails done is the one thing that really makes me feel like I'm at home: My nails are done by someone who's language I don't speak, but I nonetheless know she's talking about me the whole time. It's just like New York.